Taking the leap đââď¸
Why we fear the space between inaction and growth, and how we can increase our tolerance for it. | Vol. 17
Hello smart and gorgeous person,
I have a question: why is so awkward to tell other people youâre trying something new?
I pondered this after absolutely freezing up when a fellow writer and friend (accurately) told me it would be beneficial to advertise my writing skills on LinkedIn.
After writing on Substack (hi) for over four months and tweeting every day for the past month, you would assume I had overcome my fear of publishing by now. However, LinkedIn represents a different type of challenge: writing in front of old coworkers and connections I know and respect in real life? The idea alone created hives.
Unfortunately for my ego, my friend was right. If I ever want to get paid for writing, Iâm going to have to share that information.
But sharing new skills with the world is vulnerable.
Applying new skills and ways of thinking involves constantly making small improvements. A skill is not perfected in one take. Rather, you learn as you go and upgrade each time. Uncertainty is baked into this process. When you take a step aiming toward improvement, you donât know exactly where youâll land until you get there.
Itâs hard to release the desire to control othersâ perceptions of us.
In fact, the only certain way to control outside judgment is to never put yourself out there. We want to keep our new identity to ourselves until weâre âready.â Unfortunately, you donât feel ready to embrace a new identity until you start.
When youâre growing, thereâs inevitably an in-between period where you leave your old story and start your new one.
The in-between space can often be seen in nature.
Take the human brain, for instance. When the brain receives information to release chemicals such as serotonin, a neuron sends out an impulse to release the neurotransmitters (message-senders). The message then moves across a gap to attach to a receptor. Once the message is received, you feel the sense of calm created by serotonin.
When the message moves across the gap, itâs not 100% certain there will be a receptor waiting for it.
Thankfully, it doesnât wait for the âright timeâ to act.Â
This week, how can you mimic nature and respond to a challenge when it arises, instead of when the time is right? đ
The Upper Limit Problem
Last week, I introduced the Upper Limit problem.
The Upper Limit problem as described by Gay Hendricks is an internal thermostat for the happiness, love, and peace that we allow ourselves to feel. Anything above or below this thermostat we dislike. The Upper Limit problem theorizes that we choose comfortability over the happiness, success, love, etc. that we work so hard to obtain.
Here is how it works: when we experience too much happiness, we self-sabotage so that we bring ourselves down to the level we think we deserve.
At its core, self-sabotage stems from feeling fear or undeserving of a certain level of happiness.
A 2013 study published in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology supports the idea that people are scared to be happy.
Researchers in New Zealand used a Fear of Happiness Scale to measure how people associated feeling happy with anticipating something bad to consequently happen. In other words, when we wait for the other shoe to drop.
The study found that the connection between fear and happiness is far more present in certain populations.
People with depression, for example, often stay away from activities that could bring feelings of happiness. Additionally, those with a tendency toward perfectionism may fear happiness because theyâve associated the feeling with laziness or unproductivity. However, even absent any mental disorders, people may have strong memories where a happy memory was followed by a bad event.
Even when a positive memory is followed by an unremarkable calm period, we tend to forget it.
Therefore, our memories of fearing happiness can be more potent than the memories of us enjoying happiness.
According to The Big Leap, if we donât have a tolerance for accepting happiness in our lives we self-sabotage.
Self-sabotaging looks differently for everyone. It could be picking an argument with your significant other after receiving a promotion at work. Self-sabotage may be getting sick or having an accident. Worry is also a hallmark sign of the Upper Limit, arising when we run out of problems.
Whatever your personal Upper Limit cues are, you need to get good at discerning them.
Recognizing our cues helps us slow self-sabotaging behavior long enough to oppose them.
To counter the Upper Limit problem, Hendricks recommends these 5 steps to stop self-limiting in its tracks:
Make a commitment to keeping an attitude of wonder and play while learning about your Upper Limit behaviors. đ
We learn more when weâre having fun. Self-criticism can lead to frustration and lost willpower to learn.
Make a list of your Upper Limit behaviors âď¸
Take note when you sense your Upper Limit problems arise. Maintain a sense of curiosity about how you express your feelings.
Shift your attention when you notice yourself Upper Limiting đ¤
Instead of putting energy towards the fight you picked, blaming others, worrying, etc. turn that motion towards getting to the root of the problem.
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Practice making room more for more self-acceptance and love when your limiting behaviors arise đ§ââď¸
Use internal resources such as patience, curiosity, and understanding to give yourself compassion when you experience your Upper Limits. Eventually, you can take your self-understanding a step further to expand the amount of love you are willing to receive.
Embrace a new story đ
The stories we tell ourselves are incredibly powerful. You have the power to craft your own story that allows you to receive more positivity in your life.
Content Recommendation:
If youâre on the internet, youâve undoubtedly heard of the term âmanifestingâ in the past couple of years.
You probably either love the idea or hate it, but is there any scientific basis to it? Writer Mara Santilli explores this question in the article in Self, titled âWhy Is Everyone Obsessed With Manifesting And Does It Actually Work?â
If youâve ever secretly wanted to ask a psychologist about manifesting, this article is for you.
Hereâs my favorite quote:
âWhether through manifesting practices or otherwise, thinking about what you want in life may help you prioritize whatâs actually important to youâwhether thatâs leaving a relationship thatâs no longer working for you, say, or applying for a job in a field youâve always felt passionate about.â
Whether you manifest or not, taking time to consider your priorities and values is immensely clarifying. One might even call it magical. đŤ
Thatâs all for this week, folks! As always, Iâd love to hear your thoughts on this weekâs newsletter. I hope you have a relaxing rest of your Sunday.
Xoxo,
Claire